the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
she took out her dip, threw up, and put it back in. it was like a scene from Nick and Nora's trip to the trailer park.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
I dont know if this is a good time to tell you but im actually a freshman.. not a senior
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
Randomize
