Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
im in the post action - pre consequence stage.
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
