my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
