if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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