beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
