We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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