you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
Randomize
