Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
Oh eartly, In cocy youtu youchv make the wallflowers d tskunks!y, couch protection now,.sryou should feel special !
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
Randomize
