I seem to have left my pride at pride
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
