Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
Randomize
