I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
