Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
Randomize
