when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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