Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
No subtext here. People are naked.
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
