i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
Randomize
