When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
