the condom got lost in my hair
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
He passed out mid-signature
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
