Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
Randomize
