I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
