Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
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