The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
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