So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
An don't say it's "personal preference" cause I don't buy it. I just want to have normal cool guy balls. I don't want to be the dude that's still rocking the equivalent of the "mid 90's bowl cut" of scrotum haircuts.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
Randomize
