I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
Keep it up. It gets easier when you turn 21. Something happens in people's brains when they turn 21 and all of a sudden you have the power to drink constantly and abuse drugs and still graduate with good grades and your shit together. Im almost positive I read it in my freshman year bio textbook
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
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