The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
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