Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Randomize
