At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
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