See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
