how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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