I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
i have rugburns grass stains and some road rash. im an all terrain slut
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
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