I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
found a hand written recpiet for 'one doe fawn' on an open crate in my living room need help to find it
where the hell would u of bought a deer
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
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