apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
Houston, we have a blender
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
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