Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
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