I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
Randomize
