No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Randomize
