made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
Randomize
