he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
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