She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
Ugh, I should just give up, and fuck him in a parking lot, and shave my head and walk naked through the streets of King's Landing.
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
Randomize
