Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
Randomize
