Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Randomize
