yah I made NO friends last night. at one point i think i replaced talking with spitting
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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