Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
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