I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
Sooo i'm debating posing nude for the drawing and painting classes, I just wanna see if they draw my nip ring.
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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