I didn't shave. On purpose
She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Randomize
