if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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