I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
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