I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
Yes, one should always join a cult. At least once.
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
The way I see it, if i don't fail the midterm and blow off some of the projects, how else am I going to get motivated to study for the final ?
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
Randomize
