the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
Randomize
