he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
I see an opportunity for you to use your nakedness to cure my boredom.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
