a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
Guess who cheated on their SATs? Also on the same line guess who's getting in to Princeton at damn near free of charge?
Randomize
