how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
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