I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Randomize
