My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
You can wear anything you want
So... Naked it is then
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
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