Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
i crushed up some extenze and put them in his protein powder - should make for an interesting gym experience
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
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