did it hurt when the cum got in your eye
not so much hurt, more like a stinging sinsation like mouthwash
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
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